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Jokes, Locs, and Slow-Pokes

19 Mar

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ha Ha Ha.”

1. This boy Jake was about 16 years old. More than anything he wanted a car to drive to the movies and impress his friends and girls. One day he walked into the house. His dad was sitting down so he took this opportunity to ask ‘Dad! I want a car. I passed my driving test and got my license. I have kept my grades up and always get my chores done.’ His dad looked him over, sizing him up, and said ‘Son, when are you going to get a haircut?’ Knowing his dad was a man of faith Jake replied, ‘Jesus had long hair!’ His dad looked away from his newspaper and smiled from ear to ear and said, ‘Yeah, and He also walked everywhere he went!’

Ha!! Sometimes we don’t think things all of the way through before we act. Jake was headed in the right direction by comparing His actions to Jesus. But, if being like Jesus had been his true concern the outcome would have definitely come out positive for him.

2. This man and his friend Bill were walking down the street of their small rural town. They reluctantly walked past this business that had problems with the septic tank. The ground collapsed in crushing the top of the tank and letting out what smelled like the worst odor ever. So Bill took off his jacket and used it to cover his face, particularly his nose. He tripped and dropped the jacket Into the hole and watched it get soaked in imagesewage. Bill bent over to grab it but his short arms wouldn’t reach. So he imagebegged his friend for help. His friend says ‘I know it’s cold. But surely you are not going to put that jacket back on?’ Bill snorted ‘No! But I had a biscuit in the pocket!’

3. True Story. On February 1, 2003 the space-shuttle Columbia disintegrated over Texas and Louisiana as it re-entered the atmosphere of Earth. People all over my area of Dallas-Fort Worth claimed hearing a supersonic bang and some even discovered remnants of the explosion. In the town I was born and raised, this farmer walked out on the porch and saw his old dog bring a bone up to the yard from somewhere in the woods. Naturally, the farmer assumed it was possibly connected to the widely broadcasted incident. So he calls the authorities, and a time later a black van pulls up into his gravel driveway; Two stern looking men in black suits and black sunglasses get out of the vehicle and walk up to the porch. ‘F.B.I. Sir!, the man on the left belted-out without the common decency Of offering his name or a handshake, We need to ask you a few questions about the bone your dog found. Where exactly in the woods did your dog find the bone?’ ‘I don’t know. He didn’t say!’

4. True Story. Not as much of a joke as humor-related. About a year or two ago, in the next town over, Conan O’Brien was in the Area for the NCAA Championship and decided to have a little fun with the locals. You can find the video on YouTube and much of it aired on his show. Him and his crew thought it would be funny to dress up like a County Deputy and harass the local citizens and business owners. This all with the imagepermission of our Sheriff and contingent upon Conan signing a release form that any backlash of his late-night antics were in no way the fault of the Sheriff’s Department. So Conan is outfitted with gun, badge, and even a cowboy hat. Now you really realize how secluded a small town is when local business owners do not recognize a guy who is on television every night. All the locals were dodging the grocery store where he was giving managers the third-degree about some made up crime. IT’S NOT A REAL DEPUTY people! Granted O’Brien is geared towards a younger, more hip demographic. But still, the man is on TV and much of the Internet. Not to mention bill-boards and magazines. All of this years after the city two towns over was lifted up from practical anonymity after hometown crooner Katie Clarkson wins a national singing competition.

Of course none of us heard about Conan being in the area till after the fact. This is typical of our local news sources. I can get minute-by-minute coverage of an apartment fire or high-speed police chase but Vice-President Joe Biden comes to town to attend a relatives wedding and the news fills us in once he leaves. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry walks into a local cafe while in town raising money for elections and his political-party. Again nobody says a thing. But a local cop shoots a violent dog(I am a dog lover, not a fan of violent ones) and the story gets so much coverage that the poor officer has to flee the state and go into hiding(where he stays to this day) in response to death threats by overzealous activists. I thank GOD that when Jesus returns every man, woman and child will immediately know. Because if we had to rely on the so-called news to inform us, we would miss the Second Coming and spend Eternity listening to political pundants argue over which party was responsible for alerting American citizens. Add call-ins from perturbed viewers complaining coverage of the traffic jam broke into their daily dose of Judge Judy and you just described Hades.

There are rumors that an early American President visited the town I grew up as part of his train-ride across America. But this is highly unlikely.

Copyright (C) Dustin Poteet 2015

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I am 31. I can’t come up with 1 idea to make 32! Daily Prompt: 32 Flavors

18 Mar
imageThis picture is supposed to illustrate the different sections of the brain and which types of flavors and sounds they react to. Wish I had some witty, well-thought out story. My posts easily reach 500 words and delve into the realm of serious affect. But I must admit, the real reason this image caught my attention is because of this next image.
image  I can’t help but think the outline of both pictures resemble each other. Which brings me to  my point: I don’t have one. I can’t think of anything. Zero. Zip. Goose-egg. I am 6 foot 5 inches tall and well over 300 pounds. I am no stranger to the dinner-table. I have a sweet tooth that rivals Willy-Wonka. I can guzzle a 2-liter Pepsi or Dr Pepper in one night of watching Seinfeld, Family Guy, and Friends reruns. I inhale Oreos like a Olympic Sprinter inhales fresh air after the 100 meter dash. Wave a bag of powdered white donuts in front of me and I am walking around looking like Leonardo Dicaprio on Basketball Diaries begging Ernie Hudson, ‘Give me a taste. Just a taste!’ But for the first time in awhile I am speechless. Maybe because as a child while my verbal skills were forming I was also a skinny kid. Seriously! You could see my ribs sticking out, so skinny. So when I moved to a different town for my junior high years and then returned to my hometown 150 pounds heavier ready to sign up for High School football, my old buddies were shocked. I left 110 pounds; I returned 270(give or take). Which reminds me, my high school had the most raunchy food…(250 words to go) ha!

Copyright (C) Dustin Poteet 2015

Face-Down, Face-Up: Just Face It

29 Mar

Some one once said they found success the hard way. Some call this pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. But the way my life goes, I expect If I looked down my boots would be missing. And if that wasn’t enough I would  probably hang myself with the strings. Of course I would never take my life. But, I mean my worst enemy in life is usually me.

Like Jim Carey in ‘Liar-Liar I could attempt to kick my own butt, that is essentially what I am doing now. But this didn’t help him, and never helps me. The truth inevitably saves us all. But the truth is hard to swallow.

It is easier to tell ourselves everything is going to work out than except the fact life never turns out right. But even this is a lie. the truth is everything is going to be great but not into we dig in and get dirty. Like your mom used to do GOD will throw all of the stained clothes in the wash. I fear that one or two socks will go missing when the dry-cycle is over. That is essentially what these trying times are, they are a method of drying us out. Anyone who has ever taken to alcohol knows the importance of drying out. We would also never reach for the Living waters JESUS spoke of at the well.

Among other areas, I am supposed to be part Irish, part Cherokee Indian. I am also Black Dutch, oddly enough I do not believe in ‘going Dutch’ by splitting the check on a date. Just as odd is how I seemed to have inherited all of the Irish blood. I am pale. I have a fighting-temper, and I always end up face down in the mud. Though, I never drink.

I have the bad habit of trying to do things my own way, always falling down. No how many times this happens each day starts with me climbing up preparing to leap and completely expecting to fly this time. I never do. I get burned every time; at least I inherited some of the Cherokee. My face should be red with shame, but I have become numb to ridicule.

I feel just like this guy I saw on Shark Tank. He claimed that he could make gold out of ocean water by building some type of hurricane-inducing machine. Just like the doodled drawing he presented, I rarely prepare my presentation as I should.  It is an insane idea but I would not be surprised if It one day worked, his idea not mine. The man who built the atomic bomb was surely subjected to laughter not his own. This explosive invention was not the best thing for mankind and a gold machine would be the same. We are already bent on fleshly riches, me being the leader of the pack.

I am not a greedy person, but when I think about just finding love and leaving the riches, the hard truth arises once again. I am afraid in this day and age no one would want to love someone completely broke, bearing no financial or social security. No one wants a man on social-security, right? Maybe the truth is I am afraid to love someone just for who they are and that the attempt to fight the dry-out has left my personality shallow.

Either way I will be sure to jump back into the fire tomorrow. I apologize how I tend to spill my life story every time I write, right?

Copyright  © Dustin Poteet

Writer’s Journey: Too bad ‘Journey’ is taken!

27 Mar

Scripture tells us GOD made man in HIS image. So as far as life goes I am the perfect image I should be. Having said this I was reading a fellow bloggers site. I will not name which one, but this lady did not just write. I mean she writes with greatly developed skill but also has a eye-catching image.

By image I mean that certain flair every movie star and rap artist walks around with. I will say hers is much more classy and not fake. Some people call it swagger, some describe it as the ‘it’ factor. I will begin with saying I am not the type that will ever walk around with gold chains and diamonds in my ears. I might one day be caught with a trimmed-out GMC Sierra. That point is the main substance of this post.

Let me explain. It seems it might be of need for me to build an image. But that comment about rolling round in a truck shows that I am not the kind of guy to show off. I could come up with a rap name, possibly Burning Shorty. But, come on, this is still over the top.

So how do I keep my modesty while glamming up my webpage? As a guy, this is the last time I will use the word ‘glamming’. How do I get more than 15 people a day to read my blog, finding paying sponsors, and become an actual ‘heavy-hitter'(also a bad rap name). Would I want to even sell-out knowing as soon as I do my message will be instantly cheapened and put on the shelf with every other so-called artist just trying to ‘come-up’ on an idea.

First things first, while I could use the income, I only have one real talent given to me by my Maker to use wisely. I also love the feeling of being honest and not a ‘car-salesman’ trying to hoodwink someone into lame products I would never touch. I am not trying to judge. If I do, it is only in an effort to find the answers in my journey of writing. Because, one thing is for sure, I want to take my gift to the next level and help others if possible. If I only end up with 15 readers a day, I will ‘try’ (emphasis on try) to still crank out quality material and leave those readers better off if only from having a reason to chuckle.

I hesitate to throw good money after bad by hiring a professional company to manage the look of Burning Shorts. The time It takes to study illustration techniques could be used to perfect my writing. The 68 thousand dollars it costs to obtain a Bachelor’s degree in Communications, while intriguing, would leave me with a Federal Loan to pay off working at an hourly position instead of writing. By some means I graduated and obtained employment in some magazine or publishing company, I would be forced to tow the company line along with the message they so desired. Even if it was an honest message, it would still be theirs.

Whether or not I start making any ‘desperate’ changes, I aim to send a message that a flawed man can learn, grow, and overcome with the Grace of GOD and the blood of HIS only SON JESUS. If you see anything differing (I should say call me on it, and please do), but it may just be my attempt to balance dreams with substance. That and I may just be trying to be a great writer when all I am doing is annoying the ones who are kind enough to put up with my personal stories.

Feel free to comment good ideas. Ha!

Ape To Man To Ape Again

27 Mar

Do you ever talk before you think? I was recently chatting with someone on a popular dating site. Halfway through the conversation I begin mentioning my restaurant and food likes/dislikes. But it didn’t stop with I like Chinese and Mexican food. No! I had to take it one step too far and go into a long story about eating too much shrimp at Red Lobster when I was 15. Ha!

I ended the conversation with a comment about my local movie theater. It hit me just as soon as I hit send that my topic choice could look much like the lead-up to asking for a date. This was in no way my intention. It just happens to be I was hungry and bored at the moment.

Look at It from this perspective, ladies. You open up an email listing a line of classy restaurants and the most popular thing people do after dining. You immediately think that the guy you met yesterday is taking a big liberty in planning a date he hasn’t even asked for. Am I right?

To add to the fact that men do not listen, I have a habit of clicking on someone’s profile without having read about their personality or hobbies and then I start immediately with what is going through my mind. Do you see the pattern? Maybe a little bit of narcissism that has gone undiagnosed until today.

I finally caught myself about to unload in some unsuspecting girl by way of email. I realized I never read one thing on her profile and went back to do so. I am glad I did because she had a surprising amount of things in common with me. So I started over with these topics in mind and not another run-away-train of the lack of good television shows, what my neighbor did in his yard, or any obscure story that proves I have no game, no common sense, and no idea of how to simply say hello and not scare off any chance of finding the right one in this lifetime.

I have no clue how to illustrate this post. But if the bottom of the page is consumed with fast-food menus, DVR schedules, or Letterman jokes, please instantly stop what you are doing, send me a message, and remind me to take yet another step forward in the evolution of man, not a giant leap back.

Ape

Copyright © Dustin Poteet

 

1,2, Change, Change, Change

10 Feb

zebra123I do not know if It is in the Bible but I have heard it said all of the books in the world could not hold the stories of the miracles JESUS performed. I don’t know if there is enough bandwidth, hard drives, and fiber optic cable to manage all of the stories of things I have done wrong. Would I change them? I haven’t seen the outcome so I can’t truly say yes or no.

I did not finish high school. The restlessness of sitting in a seat for 8 hours a day created what I though was a brilliant idea of taking my general education diploma (GED) exam and ditching the hell-like box of a place.  Does it help me in life? No, It definitely made things harder. But, If I would have stayed my soul would have been sucked straight out of me. Sounds harsh, but any establishment that is run by old, bitter people who want to wield their authority and treat you like you are a toddler is never likeable. Keep in mind I am talking from teenage memories. Teachers are great, but you can not fully appreciate it in the moment.

I was too shy. I had what was arguably the 2 most attractive girls in my class giving me the eye. The one that says I am not just being polite, but I really like you.  But I never took advantage and asked at least one of them out; I am a one girl man. I am probably better off,  but I don’t believe myself when I say It.

What else could have been different? I could have spent a lot more time in the gym and added muscle to my 6 foot 5 inch frame. I still would have been to caring to use physical attractiveness to my advantage especially when I was not married.

This is only a small piece of things that could have gone differently. If I ever have kids I will probably tell the to have more fun because life is a marathon not a sprint-race. On the same note A’s will be mandatory and no quitting school till they get their 5th Doctorate degree or make  5-star General in the Army. Does it sound like those two sentences are a conflict in terms. Well, life is one big conflict in terms.

The picture above is the zebra, which was my high school mascot. I definitely would have picked a better figure like wolves, or lions, or even hawks, but not zebras. The zebra usually gets eaten by the lion and we usually did in football. I found the February 2012 lunch menu online. It is the same menu. Ha! I would not be surprised if it was the same food kept frozen since the year 2000.

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Copyright  © Dustin Poteet

Zebra photo courtesy of www.gvisd.org.

Menu courtesy of Fossil Research (It’s a joke) www.gvisd.org