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Jokes, Locs, and Slow-Pokes

19 Mar

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Ha Ha Ha.”

1. This boy Jake was about 16 years old. More than anything he wanted a car to drive to the movies and impress his friends and girls. One day he walked into the house. His dad was sitting down so he took this opportunity to ask ‘Dad! I want a car. I passed my driving test and got my license. I have kept my grades up and always get my chores done.’ His dad looked him over, sizing him up, and said ‘Son, when are you going to get a haircut?’ Knowing his dad was a man of faith Jake replied, ‘Jesus had long hair!’ His dad looked away from his newspaper and smiled from ear to ear and said, ‘Yeah, and He also walked everywhere he went!’

Ha!! Sometimes we don’t think things all of the way through before we act. Jake was headed in the right direction by comparing His actions to Jesus. But, if being like Jesus had been his true concern the outcome would have definitely come out positive for him.

2. This man and his friend Bill were walking down the street of their small rural town. They reluctantly walked past this business that had problems with the septic tank. The ground collapsed in crushing the top of the tank and letting out what smelled like the worst odor ever. So Bill took off his jacket and used it to cover his face, particularly his nose. He tripped and dropped the jacket Into the hole and watched it get soaked in imagesewage. Bill bent over to grab it but his short arms wouldn’t reach. So he imagebegged his friend for help. His friend says ‘I know it’s cold. But surely you are not going to put that jacket back on?’ Bill snorted ‘No! But I had a biscuit in the pocket!’

3. True Story. On February 1, 2003 the space-shuttle Columbia disintegrated over Texas and Louisiana as it re-entered the atmosphere of Earth. People all over my area of Dallas-Fort Worth claimed hearing a supersonic bang and some even discovered remnants of the explosion. In the town I was born and raised, this farmer walked out on the porch and saw his old dog bring a bone up to the yard from somewhere in the woods. Naturally, the farmer assumed it was possibly connected to the widely broadcasted incident. So he calls the authorities, and a time later a black van pulls up into his gravel driveway; Two stern looking men in black suits and black sunglasses get out of the vehicle and walk up to the porch. ‘F.B.I. Sir!, the man on the left belted-out without the common decency Of offering his name or a handshake, We need to ask you a few questions about the bone your dog found. Where exactly in the woods did your dog find the bone?’ ‘I don’t know. He didn’t say!’

4. True Story. Not as much of a joke as humor-related. About a year or two ago, in the next town over, Conan O’Brien was in the Area for the NCAA Championship and decided to have a little fun with the locals. You can find the video on YouTube and much of it aired on his show. Him and his crew thought it would be funny to dress up like a County Deputy and harass the local citizens and business owners. This all with the imagepermission of our Sheriff and contingent upon Conan signing a release form that any backlash of his late-night antics were in no way the fault of the Sheriff’s Department. So Conan is outfitted with gun, badge, and even a cowboy hat. Now you really realize how secluded a small town is when local business owners do not recognize a guy who is on television every night. All the locals were dodging the grocery store where he was giving managers the third-degree about some made up crime. IT’S NOT A REAL DEPUTY people! Granted O’Brien is geared towards a younger, more hip demographic. But still, the man is on TV and much of the Internet. Not to mention bill-boards and magazines. All of this years after the city two towns over was lifted up from practical anonymity after hometown crooner Katie Clarkson wins a national singing competition.

Of course none of us heard about Conan being in the area till after the fact. This is typical of our local news sources. I can get minute-by-minute coverage of an apartment fire or high-speed police chase but Vice-President Joe Biden comes to town to attend a relatives wedding and the news fills us in once he leaves. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry walks into a local cafe while in town raising money for elections and his political-party. Again nobody says a thing. But a local cop shoots a violent dog(I am a dog lover, not a fan of violent ones) and the story gets so much coverage that the poor officer has to flee the state and go into hiding(where he stays to this day) in response to death threats by overzealous activists. I thank GOD that when Jesus returns every man, woman and child will immediately know. Because if we had to rely on the so-called news to inform us, we would miss the Second Coming and spend Eternity listening to political pundants argue over which party was responsible for alerting American citizens. Add call-ins from perturbed viewers complaining coverage of the traffic jam broke into their daily dose of Judge Judy and you just described Hades.

There are rumors that an early American President visited the town I grew up as part of his train-ride across America. But this is highly unlikely.

Copyright (C) Dustin Poteet 2015

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Writer’s Journey: Too bad ‘Journey’ is taken!

27 Mar

Scripture tells us GOD made man in HIS image. So as far as life goes I am the perfect image I should be. Having said this I was reading a fellow bloggers site. I will not name which one, but this lady did not just write. I mean she writes with greatly developed skill but also has a eye-catching image.

By image I mean that certain flair every movie star and rap artist walks around with. I will say hers is much more classy and not fake. Some people call it swagger, some describe it as the ‘it’ factor. I will begin with saying I am not the type that will ever walk around with gold chains and diamonds in my ears. I might one day be caught with a trimmed-out GMC Sierra. That point is the main substance of this post.

Let me explain. It seems it might be of need for me to build an image. But that comment about rolling round in a truck shows that I am not the kind of guy to show off. I could come up with a rap name, possibly Burning Shorty. But, come on, this is still over the top.

So how do I keep my modesty while glamming up my webpage? As a guy, this is the last time I will use the word ‘glamming’. How do I get more than 15 people a day to read my blog, finding paying sponsors, and become an actual ‘heavy-hitter'(also a bad rap name). Would I want to even sell-out knowing as soon as I do my message will be instantly cheapened and put on the shelf with every other so-called artist just trying to ‘come-up’ on an idea.

First things first, while I could use the income, I only have one real talent given to me by my Maker to use wisely. I also love the feeling of being honest and not a ‘car-salesman’ trying to hoodwink someone into lame products I would never touch. I am not trying to judge. If I do, it is only in an effort to find the answers in my journey of writing. Because, one thing is for sure, I want to take my gift to the next level and help others if possible. If I only end up with 15 readers a day, I will ‘try’ (emphasis on try) to still crank out quality material and leave those readers better off if only from having a reason to chuckle.

I hesitate to throw good money after bad by hiring a professional company to manage the look of Burning Shorts. The time It takes to study illustration techniques could be used to perfect my writing. The 68 thousand dollars it costs to obtain a Bachelor’s degree in Communications, while intriguing, would leave me with a Federal Loan to pay off working at an hourly position instead of writing. By some means I graduated and obtained employment in some magazine or publishing company, I would be forced to tow the company line along with the message they so desired. Even if it was an honest message, it would still be theirs.

Whether or not I start making any ‘desperate’ changes, I aim to send a message that a flawed man can learn, grow, and overcome with the Grace of GOD and the blood of HIS only SON JESUS. If you see anything differing (I should say call me on it, and please do), but it may just be my attempt to balance dreams with substance. That and I may just be trying to be a great writer when all I am doing is annoying the ones who are kind enough to put up with my personal stories.

Feel free to comment good ideas. Ha!

Ape To Man To Ape Again

27 Mar

Do you ever talk before you think? I was recently chatting with someone on a popular dating site. Halfway through the conversation I begin mentioning my restaurant and food likes/dislikes. But it didn’t stop with I like Chinese and Mexican food. No! I had to take it one step too far and go into a long story about eating too much shrimp at Red Lobster when I was 15. Ha!

I ended the conversation with a comment about my local movie theater. It hit me just as soon as I hit send that my topic choice could look much like the lead-up to asking for a date. This was in no way my intention. It just happens to be I was hungry and bored at the moment.

Look at It from this perspective, ladies. You open up an email listing a line of classy restaurants and the most popular thing people do after dining. You immediately think that the guy you met yesterday is taking a big liberty in planning a date he hasn’t even asked for. Am I right?

To add to the fact that men do not listen, I have a habit of clicking on someone’s profile without having read about their personality or hobbies and then I start immediately with what is going through my mind. Do you see the pattern? Maybe a little bit of narcissism that has gone undiagnosed until today.

I finally caught myself about to unload in some unsuspecting girl by way of email. I realized I never read one thing on her profile and went back to do so. I am glad I did because she had a surprising amount of things in common with me. So I started over with these topics in mind and not another run-away-train of the lack of good television shows, what my neighbor did in his yard, or any obscure story that proves I have no game, no common sense, and no idea of how to simply say hello and not scare off any chance of finding the right one in this lifetime.

I have no clue how to illustrate this post. But if the bottom of the page is consumed with fast-food menus, DVR schedules, or Letterman jokes, please instantly stop what you are doing, send me a message, and remind me to take yet another step forward in the evolution of man, not a giant leap back.

Ape

Copyright © Dustin Poteet

 

Reincarnation: Do I believe in it?

9 Feb
Public Domain Image with custom URL link back to source out of courtesy.

Public Domain Image with custom URL link back to source    out of courtesy.

I read the word reincarnation. The first thing I think is how can I come back as a different person if I can’t decide what person I am in this life. I know I am a Christian who follows GOD’s law and lives for conversations with JESUS. But, I can not figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I am fairly talented at writing. However, writing has shown no chance of paying the bills. I want to do good works but in the same life be able to support a wife and possibly kids.

Is this selfish? I will let you think about it while I get back on topic.

This feeling that I am more mature and experienced than my time would allow makes me think I could be an old soul in a new body and mind. Most likely I am just a recipient of GOD’s lack of boundary of time and space. Yes, this sounds like the same thing. But as the saying goes: the devil is in the details.

One thing for sure, I do not believe in Buddha, Allah, or any other false GOD. I would like to say ‘no offense’. But I truly believe in one GOD; the GOD of Abraham and Isaac, the GOD that parted the Red Sea through Moses; the same GOD that lead the would be Israelites through the burning sands while supplying water, food in the form of manna, and wisdom through Moses and other humbled leaders. Therefore, I can not say it.

I lean towards believing in things that are not tagged as Christian, such as reincarnation. But I give all the credit to GOD.

Other ideas seem to be good to practice, like Tai-Chi and the like. But they are just that a practice, not a worship. Even if they were I would thank GOD for the gift, HIS gift of HIS only SON JESUS hanging on the cross and spilling his blood out of his sin filled heart, a sin that we committed and Christ did not have to bear.

In a light note, if I come back to this world many times, I want to be a fighter-pilot, then a NAVY Seal, and then an astronaut in charge of flying through space. Okay, if I could come back with good looks like Justin Timberlake, that would be great too. What about being rich? Well, more money, more problems!2285-1266776570eUiw

Copyright © Dustin Poteet

Blooming Twig Photo is Public Domain with URL out of courtesy to source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=13920&picture=blooming-twig”>Blooming Twig</a> by Peter Griffin

Rebirth Photo is Public Domain with URL out of courtesy to source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=5569&picture=rebirth”>Rebirth</a&gt; by Lillian Newman Mrs.

Much thanks to these kind sources! GOD bless!

Writer’s Query

6 Feb

Captureodododidjdi

If I was a writer
What would I write?
Would it be worth the hype?

Would my writing draw me as having honor
Or draw me into an ugly corner?

Could my psyche escape the page
Or would I be stuck forever?
Lost in my own plot
Till someone more clever
Erased me
And blew the dust away in a jealous rage

Would the bank lock my royalties in a vault
Or would they lock me in an insane asylum
After I dig into the human condition too far?
A product of my own fault

Would I use a computer or pen
Searching for the genius within?
Or would I type
And be typecast as a drug store writer one could take or leave?
As I was forced to retire or concede

Would my book bindings rip and tear
Or would critics rip out my heart
Leaving me locked in my writer’s den in despair?

Would I celebrate over what award I won
Or would I lose
Taking my life into my own hands with a gun?

When they lay me to rest
Will my obituary say ” ..local penny-ante writer…”
Or will my epitaph read “” I WAS THE BEST”” ?

Copyright © Dustin Poteet